![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
One breath.
Two.
You go very still --
It's devastating, the way sensation rips through you, tearing and driving with relentless fury, knocking you flat and your back is arching, head falling back with your lips in a cry that's silenced by the winds roaring inside of you with it all slamming in -- the wall goes crack, spiderwebs spreading through wood -- hips bucking and thrashing, fingers digging deeper where they clutch and --
I don't know if I'll ever really deserve you, but you're everything, everything, everything. Even if I never say the words and don't know how, you can hear it. See it. Feel it, like this. The way I clutch and hold on and never want to let go. I'm dragging you in deeper and pulling you in until you're buried too deep, and can't dig yourself out. Until you're a part of me, grown right in like him, and I guess he belongs to you too, since he's a part of me, and I'm a part of you.
"--Why did you run away?"
His fingers are in your hair and the world is no longer coming apart but falling together. Konoha, below you in the valley, all golden and waiting. And the sun is setting, painting itself in slow strokes across your home, where children laugh through the streets of Tea Avenue. Filling the air with the sound of their small voices. Bells on a line in summer, is what it sounds like. And they go chasing butterflies in the fields where shinobi train their pride, and hone their honor.
The scenery changes and the fields empty themselves out. This is not the Konoha you call home, but the one that you almost destroyed. And the silence is stifling, a heavy thing that fills up the ears like the sound of Madara's voice, all leaden in your mind.
You see yourself, and you see what you had done.
Lightning screaming in your hand and your teacher's blue eyes narrowed and hard.
"I just need some time." You say, and he does not give you a look of disapproval for the lie.
He smiles instead and asks, "Is it helping?"
His fingers are gently moving. Soothing in their rise and fall. Their steady rhythm that knows just how to stroke.
At night the forest closes up. And the stars and the moon disappear beyond the treeline. No light pierces through the veil. It is too muted and soft and the tangle of trees here is so dense, not even sun can cut through the pitch of it.
And you are there, searching.
For an answer, perhaps.
Or maybe the question.
"I'm not sure."
"You should come back." He says it like it's the most natural thing to say. To him, maybe it is.
But he was not there when the barriers fell.
"I don't deserve to be there right now."
"Why?"
"I compromised the safety of the village."
His fingers stop, but only for a moment.
They start stroking again a moment later. Root to tip and back again. Sometimes they trace down the side of your face. Like they're trying to memorize you, to keep you in place, so you do not run away.
"You're going to have to be stronger so that it doesn't happen again," he says softly.
"Konoha is safer without me in it." This is what you believe.
"Konoha needs you. I need you." And then he smiles in the way he always does when you walk in through the door and he is there waiting. "You should come home," he whispers and his fingers are in your hair and his lips are soft when they kiss you and in that moment, you are in the bed you share with him, in the home you built together.
The world disappears and holds you in stasis like this: connected, only with him.
He breathes out.
And you breathe in.
You breathe together like this.
And you feel whole.
"I already am home."
[ It's slow, the way he wakes. He'd fallen asleep under the shade of a tree, and it'd been so long since he'd had a good night's rest that the sleep was deep, and steady, lingering. He doesn't want to wake up. Wants to go on sleeping. And his body is already pulling him back under. So he turns onto his side and lets sleep crash over him. ]
2009-09-21 10:23 am (UTC)
You're a coward.
[He'd ran himself, for two years. Not anymore.]
Edited at 2009-09-21 10:29 am (UTC)
[ Reaction ]
2009-09-21 10:35 am (UTC)
Which can only mean one thing.
He flips through the menus.
Rewatches the dream.
And his heart.
Sinks. ]
2009-09-21 10:32 am (UTC)
Oh man, another homo chicken shit. Does everyone fucking dream about sex? Heathen filth.
[ Reaction ]
2009-09-21 10:37 am (UTC)
2009-09-21 08:23 pm (UTC)
Now this.
Damn it, sometimes Akira's convinced the Hitomi exists just to give him nosebleeds. Damn.
But the words in this dream are what's even more important. Akira can understand at least that much - that at least dreaming of sex isn't the same as having it, doesn't mean the same things.]
He's right!
No one here cares about what you did. We just want you back.
You and Iruka-sensei can work it out. Whatever went on.
We just want you back...
[No, no, he's obviously not just talking about himself. Really.]
[ Reaction ]
2009-09-22 05:48 am (UTC)
He replays Akira's message again.
And doesn't respond. ]
2009-09-21 09:36 pm (UTC)
That they had shared something between them that is the very thing Iruka looks for to have in his life. One day.
There are a lot of things in this dream that renders him silent. He can see the trust, he can see the devotion and more importantly, he can see the love Kakashi directs towards him. The him that cards fingers through silver hair like he's been doing that for a lifetime.
He feels Kakashi's comfort with the him in that picture.
He feels Kakashi's love for the him in that picture.
He tilts his head to the side a bit, watching the dream again and again, thinking that maybe he did miss something the first time. As if watching the dream the second time, or the third or the fourth or the fifth or for the next hour would show him something he didn't know. That it would give him an answer.
Because he cannot understand why it feels familiar. Like a whisper at the back of his head, very faint and indistinct. Like his own dream earlier. He can't understand why.
He can't understand why he feels so sad.
Or why his chest feels like it's being ripped open slowly and why his heart squeezes in a vice and it hurts.
He does not know this, even if de ja vu washes over him.
Even if it's familiar ...
So he watches it again and again and he tries to think of something logical to explain all this.
He cannot come up with anything.
Maybe ... what if ....
No.
He feels so utterly lost because he find it hard to believe Kakashi would ever think of giving himself to him the way he does in that dream. That trust, that comfort, that love ...]
K-Kakashi-sensei?
[He sounds so unsure and just honestly lost, like he's clawing in the dark for something he can't quite reach. But he wants to understand.]
... I ...
[He tries to laugh, to put humor in the situation that he feels is serious but he can't. It comes out sounding like a strangled noise.]
... you think of me that way?
[And it's just honest and and quiet because he so desperately want to understand what he's seeing and why it's hurting him to see this.]
Edited at 2009-09-21 09:39 pm (UTC)
1/2
2009-09-22 02:25 am (UTC)
This is why you tried to not let yourself fall into it. Going without it, running on adrenaline and soldier pills and sheer will. One day blurred into a dozen, and then the soldier pills ran out and sleep found you before you could run away again, and brought with it exactly what you were running from. The past has a bad habit of catching up with you when you sleep. It's been like this your entire life. It likes to tell you all the things you'd rather ignore, sublimate under layers of mask and a deflecting personality that is never affected by anything at all.
And here in this place where there's no privacy, it tells the whole world.
Everything.
And here he is, and Kakashi doesn't think he's ready for this. For the questions that he has all the answers for but can't give. Because ignorance is bliss and Iruka is living blindly, and Kakashi's never known what it was like to be blind the way he is because he's always seen reality for what it is: harsh and stark without any of the luster people see in the world when they still believe in it. Have hope in dreams, or in themselves. Or how children see the world -- bright and colorful and filled with possibilities. A sky that goes on forever and doesn't stop.
They are so happy, children.
Living in a world where they are blind.
Ignorance is bliss.
For Iruka, at least. ]
2/2 [ Private to Iruka ]
2009-09-22 02:43 am (UTC)
You can break your spine like that. ]
It's just a dream, Iruka-sensei~
[ Kakashi says this like it's the most obvious thing in the world, an eyebrow raised and his expression seeming to say you're not serious, right. ]
Dreams don't mean anything, remember? If they did, I should probably be concerned about how often I star in yours.
Edited at 2009-09-22 02:52 am (UTC)
[ Private to Kakashi ]
2009-09-22 07:57 am (UTC)
At the same time, he feels sorry for Kakashi. Even someone like him craves for something like that. Then again, who doesn't? Humans aren't stone after all.
But the feeling is gone when he bristles and he scowls at Kakashi's words.]
Don't flatter yourself. Just because you star often in mine that does not make you special. There's a difference between fucking and actual love and affection, Kakashi-sensei~
[He smiles now though, easy and bright. Everything else is going to be ignored for the most part.]
But you're right. They don't mean anything.
1/2
2009-09-22 08:13 am (UTC)
Nothing special.
Except he is.
Iruka is caring, strong, sensitive, beautiful and Kakashi wishes he could excise the parts of him that still sees him that way.
Because this --
This is a hurt that doesn't dull. Hasn't dulled, even though it's almost been a month and Kakashi doesn't understand why it's still so sharp when so much time has passed and time should be what fixes everything, and always has, so this feeling in his chest is not something he understands, when it shouldn't be there at all, when feelings are supposed to fade. Especially the kind that weren't real to begin with. ]
2/2 [ Private to Iruka ]
2009-09-22 08:23 am (UTC)
So he casts a look down at the Hitomi that can only be read as appraising. ]
Ah, so you want it to mean something, Iruka-sensei?
[ He practically drawls, tone lilting in a way he knows Iruka will find grating. ]
Well... I can't say I would be all too opposed to the idea, but you'll have to wait. I'm a little busy. Training and all.
[ Pauses then, as though an epiphany has just struck him. ]
On second thought, maybe not. You seem like the clingy type. I'm not exactly on the market for that.
[ Just the right amount of arrogance, the right amount of pomp. All laid on a platter of condescension and an attitude that suggests he's allowed to get away with this just because he can. ]
Edited at 2009-09-22 08:28 am (UTC)
[Private to Kakashi]
2009-09-22 08:45 am (UTC)
He snaps and his temper flares. Screw respect, he is not taking bullshit from a man who left the village when Konoha needs her people the most now.]
This is how you want to play? Fine!
[And just like that, he stabs back just as hard because he's glaring so hard and Kakashi's words means nothing to him. Yet for some reason, they do. And they feel familiar all over again and Iruka hates the feeling of knowing but not knowing.]
You don't know me enough to assume what I would be like in a relationship to begin with and good riddance! I'm not the man who seeks words of comfort from a me that is not real! I wouldn't stroke your hair and tell you take your time because if you had any ounce of dignity, you would be here and not there! When Konoha needs you the most! When she's so helpless and -
You j-jackass!
I don't even like you that way! Where do you get the balls to speak like that to me? Or assume things! You don't get that right! You don't even know me!
Edited at 2009-09-22 08:56 am (UTC)
1/2
2009-09-22 09:29 am (UTC)
And for a moment, he wishes he could just reach out. Grab Iruka and remind him just how well they know each other. Look him in the eye and say I know you. I know how you wrap yourself up. How you hide in your own skin the way I hide behind my books. And they look at you and only ever see one thing, but I've seen it all, what you hide under that skin. When you come home and hang it up. Step out of that skin and into yourself. And you are always warm when you reach out and wrap your arms all around me when I come home. To you.
And I know how you let go by holding on when we fuck. Let go of yourself and hold on, so I can go with you. Because you know the secret to freedom and it's there in your eyes and your smile, and in the way you look at me and know how to read between the lines. How you look at me and see beyond the title and the mask and lie in bed and count my scars. You want to claim them as your own. Tell me they are a part of you like they are a part of me, because I am a part of you like you are a part of me.
And this isn't easy.
Trying to forget that I ever knew you at all. Trying to erase the memories that never were, never should've been.
But I know you, he wants to say, but that moment comes and goes.
A moment, like anything else.
Like the memories, and the time they spent together.
And the love that never really was love but a weapon.
The wound is open. Salt poured in.
It burns, burns, burns and Kakashi knows this, too, is a moment.
And it will pass, like anything else.
Like what they had, and the feelings that wind up too tight inside and make him feel like he's coming undone when the larger part of him knows it isn't real.
But it's hard to forget a feeling like that.
Remembering how Iruka became his world. The only thing he had that he could call his own when nothing else in his life belonged to him. Not even himself, which was property of the village.
It's hard to forget that.
It isn't easy. ]
Edited at 2009-09-22 09:31 am (UTC)
2/2 [ Private to Iruka ]
2009-09-22 09:37 am (UTC)
To put on a mask above the mask and look at Iruka through the Hitomi and act the role that will push him further back. Away from the truth, and into the safety of what would have been. What should have been, because they were never together, and there was never any freedom behind closed doors. There was only this -- a distance that went sprawling out in between.
A distance of feigned amusement heavy in a look and the slant of a brow.
A distance of fingers tapping against a masked chin.
A distance. ]
Hmmmm.... very prissy and judgmental, too. Ah, we probably wouldn't make a good match, Iruka-sensei.
[ Grating just drops a level to infuriating. ]
That's too bad.
[Private to Kakashi]
2009-09-22 10:19 am (UTC)
[He said and it's quiet and he shakes his head when he speaks.]
I do not think so. Even if I did like you? You just killed everything.
[He does not know what he is talking about but even in admitting that, in saying what he thinks he feels, he still can't swat away the sad feeling that was starting to really stifle him. He thinks it's pity towards the man looking like an arrogant fuck on the screen.
He can't think of anything else and his shoulder slump and he just laughs, empty and lacking the mirth. It's unreal.]
You're a strong man, Kakashi-sensei. Strong enough to rule Konoha if the title is given to you.
[He says this coldly. So what if he's not here? Konoha is fine and they're all fine. So Akira is just fallling apart and Sakura is going hermit and the ones that are taking responsibility for the village are overrun with fatigue because of the lack of man power.
But who cares right?
They're fine. Perfectly fine. They don't need time out for themselves because they've got a bigger picture to take care of.
Who cares!
Just ... who the fuck cares anyway!]
But I pity you.
[Because everyone told him to come back, everyone asked him, the Hokage's right hand, to come back. Because he has the skills to help maintain Konoha's security, because if he feels guilt for what he's done, then why isn't he fixing the sodden mess he left the village in? Why is he so far away?]
Because you're a coward.
And I shouldn't be wasting my time talking to deaf ears. Take care of yourself, Kakashi-sensei. Don't worry about Konoha. We're doing just fine.
[And he leaves it at that, even when he feels bad, even when he feels that he shouldn't have said the things he just did.
Who were they all fooling? He and Kakashi would never get along let alone love each other. And dreams are just dreams.
This entire conversation cements that plain and simple truth.]
[ Reaction ]
2009-09-22 10:23 am (UTC)
Then he watches again.
And again.
And again.
And again. ]
[private]
2009-09-22 09:40 am (UTC)
[He can see that Kakashi wants that. He can see that Konoha would give that to him. He can see that Kakashi deserves it. What he can't see is why in the gods' names would a smart, sane, sensible man deprive himself of such happiness unecessarily.]
[....Then again, Kakashi has always been smart, but seldom entirely sane or purely sensible. Maybe he can understand a little why he wouldn't do this, after all. But that doesn't make it right.]
[He even thinks he knows what this might be. His voice is soft and steady when he speaks.] Kakashi.... He's right, you know.
[ Private to Gai ]
2009-09-22 09:49 am (UTC)
He's not sure if he found the snake, or if it found him.
His hair is matted with blood.
He doesn't think any of it is his own.
It smears across the screen when he hits reply. ]
I thought you were going to give me time.
[ Video Call ]
2009-09-25 10:09 am (UTC)
I did give you some time. Kakashi, what happened? You're covered with blood....
[ Video Call ]
2009-09-25 10:51 pm (UTC)
It appears I had a run-in with a snake.
[ A beat. ]
A very big one.
Re: [ Video Call ]
2009-09-25 11:48 pm (UTC)
Kakashi, are you hurt? Did it bite you?
Re: [ Video Call ]
2009-09-25 11:53 pm (UTC)
I'm fine.
[ Because he always is. ]
Re: [ Video Call ]
2009-09-26 12:12 am (UTC)
You might not be hurt, Kakashi, but you don't look fine. [He looked.... bad, incidentally. ANBU-bad, even. He hadn't seen him like this in a while.]
Re: [ Video Call ]
2009-09-26 12:17 am (UTC)
He doesn't say anything. He shouldn't have to. He considers hanging up. ]
Re: [ Video Call ]
2009-09-26 01:10 am (UTC)
Kakashi.... You need to come home.
Re: [ Video Call ]
2009-09-26 01:28 am (UTC)
Iruka.
And Gai.
Gai, who knows him better than he knows himself at times. Gai, who would do anything for him, even if it means putting his own life on the line just to yank Kakashi back from the edge inside of himself when he walls himself up and walks the thread pulled so tight it threatens to snap with each step. And below him is an expanse of nothing that goes on forever. He can fall into it. Drag Gai down with him.
Maybe he already has.
Obito's voice is loud in his head, telling him that he can't go back yet. Because ninja who don't protect the ones they love the most are worse than trash, but ninja who hurt the ones they love don't even deserve a home. And he remembers how the barrier fell. Sees himself in slow motion with lightning in his hand.
Sees himself now, and all the blood, and he doesn't even know how the hell it's come to this.
Everything smells and tastes like death.
His expression unravels, grows still and silent like the way hearts go after they've been crushed out. ]
Edited at 2009-09-26 01:33 am (UTC)
Re: [ Video Call ]
2009-09-26 01:53 am (UTC)
[Well, for most people, he supposes it wouldn't be worth it. After all, where was the pay-off? Kakashi would hum at them, pull his mask back up, and bury his nose back into another pornographic book. That would be it. Things would go on as normal. For most people, the time and trouble and expense, the pain and grief and worry just would be too much. But after 24 years together.... After 24 years, Gai thought it was worth it. The payoff was enough if Kakashi just went back to reading about sex and humming at him, because at least he'd still be there to do so. After so long together, Kakashi was a steady rock in his life, one he could always count on to continue his Eternal Rivalry with. They would spend their lives together--that much, he had promised.]
[He intends to keep his promise now. His voice is firm.] Kakashi. Where are you?
Re: [ Video Call ]
2009-09-26 02:04 am (UTC)
Kakashi can hear it in his voice and see it in the expression Gai's wearing. He wants to find him, and fix him. Pull him out from wherever he's gone to and put the pieces back in place. Smash the walls down, too, because Kakashi is hiding inside of himself, and it's ugly where he is right now. And Gai thinks that he can reach out with his strong hands and keep him from disappearing in it. Or maybe he thinks he can bring him home and fix him, there.
He doesn't really know what Gai thinks.
But he knows Gai can't clean up this mess.
Can't fix him, when he can't see the pieces. Doesn't even know where they are.
So Kakashi is out there searching, looking for himself.
He shakes his head. ]
No, that's not a good idea.
Re: [ Video Call ]
2009-09-26 04:33 am (UTC)
Why wouldn't it be?
2009-09-22 06:50 pm (UTC)
Before the war - he has to trust that that was real - Kakashi and Akira and Sakura and Iruka and all the rest of them, they were together. Like a real town. Like real friends. He had good reason to go, he had nothing holding him back, but Kakashi?
Kakashi left Akira alone, and that's just unacceptable. ]
You compromised shit. Go back to town, asshole.
[ Voice ]
2009-09-24 07:16 am (UTC)
[ He responds a day later. His tone is a little too light. ]
I'll be back soon, once I finish training.
[ Voice ]
2009-09-24 07:21 am (UTC)
[ Voice ]
2009-09-24 07:23 am (UTC)
[ Voice ]
2009-09-24 07:25 am (UTC)
[ Voice ]
2009-09-24 07:26 am (UTC)
Edited at 2009-09-24 07:27 am (UTC)
[ Voice ]
2009-09-24 07:32 am (UTC)
[ Voice ]
2009-09-24 07:34 am (UTC)
Edited at 2009-09-24 07:34 am (UTC)
[ Voice ]
2009-09-24 05:42 pm (UTC)
Stay gone.
[ And this conversation is over. ]
[ Voice ]
2009-09-24 07:43 pm (UTC)
2009-09-23 04:08 am (UTC)
I could easily go and destroy your village again.
I do not understand what it is with you Konoha shinobi and scattering. I would never abandon my people -- as if they were tools, only, and not living, breathing entities.
It is a callous system -- that of the shinobi.
It encourages such selfish acts.
If it is any consolation to you, however, I will probably leave your village alone for now.
Having destroyed it twice already and killed you twice already, I have decided neither it nor you pose significant challenge to me, and are therefore uninteresting.
Besides that, I have people I must safeguard.
When you act only in the interests of your own strength, you make a statement about the relative worth you bestow upon other people.
The statements made thus far from your village do not impress me.
In a sense, watching you all fall apart is a greater victory than any war, because I feel secure in my own sense of higher humanity, regard for others, and moral superiority.
Your own failings will destroy your village far better than I ever could.
It is not necessary to leave your village in order to improve upon yourself.
It is never necessary to leave those who care about you.
That your village thinks this is appropriate is most pitiable, indeed.
Edited at 2009-09-23 05:33 am (UTC)
Private to Kakashi
2009-09-24 06:23 am (UTC)
He might say that no one blames him, but it would be a lie because Sasuke does. He's angry. Angry that Kakashi got himself caught. Angry that Konoha let him be caught. Angry at himself for giving a shit, for getting involved when Konoha had only destroyed his life - but he'd gotten caught up, stupidly, and it was Kakashi's fault, for making him forget, for making him lose focus, just like he had when he was on Team 7 and so he had gotten tangled up in distractions again - and what good had that done him, when he died and Itachi died and now everything was fucked up -
Sasuke might say a lot of things. In the end, he decides that offering comfort is pointless. He is curious, though.]
You left Konoha.
[It's almost a question. Surprising, isn't it. That Kakashi would leave. And after all that nonsense he'd fed Sasuke about staying with the people who were precious to him.]
Edited at 2009-09-24 06:26 am (UTC)
Private to Sasuke
2009-09-24 07:21 am (UTC)
He's not surprised that Sasuke would respond like this. Doesn't want him to get the wrong idea either. ]
To train.
[ He explains. He hasn't left Konoha. To leave Konoha would be to turn his back on Konoha, and he isn't leaving, but looking towards it. He's not ready to return yet, but Konoha is home, and home is where he belongs.
Just not now. ]
Re: Private to Sasuke
2009-09-24 07:31 am (UTC)
Either way, it's not like he particularly cares. Sure, he's a little annoyed that Kakashi basically fed him a bunch of nonsense that even he didn't believe in, apparently. But he can hardly blame Kakashi for going.
He nods, to show he understands.]
You had to leave.
[And Sasuke had to leave too. Good to know that we're both on the same page now, Kakashi.]
Re: Private to Sasuke
2009-09-24 07:39 am (UTC)
Kakashi knows what he did, and what he's capable of. Knows how he snapped. How he lost time and to lose time like that, to lose control when he can kill too easily, is too dangerous. And he's failed them before, but he won't fail them again, especially when he needs to protect them from himself, and until he can trust himself --
He isn't ready to go back. ]
It's not safe for me to return.
[ Meaning, he's protecting them like this. ]
Re: Private to Sasuke
2009-09-24 11:15 am (UTC)
You're making excuses as if I care. I don't. You don't owe them anything either.
[Not that it isn't annoying that you've changed your tune suddenly. But then, wasn't Sasuke the same? During the curse, he had thought things that were lies. Things like, I would never kill Itachi. It's easy to say so in such a situation. Easy to say how you would react to something that hasn't actually happened. To say never.
Still. It's irritating, that Kakashi would judge him (and even if Kakashi doesn't say so, he does, right? Sasuke is a disappointment to him. He can tell.) and then justify leaving himself. If Sasuke cared what other people thought of him (which he doesn't) he'd probably be pissed as hell.]
Re: Private to Sasuke
2009-09-24 11:22 am (UTC)
[ He explains quite clearly, because Kakashi has only left Konoha physically, but his heart is still there. Still belongs to Konoha, and always will. ]
Hopefully that will be very soon.
[ You only ever truly leave when you don't plan to return. Kakashi doesn't think he deserves to be there right now. Isn't even stable enough to be there right now. But time will pass.
One day he'll be ready.
He'll go home. ]
Re: Private to Sasuke
2009-09-26 04:48 am (UTC)
Because it doesn't bother him, apparently. Nothing Konoha does bothers him. It doesn't seem to particularly bother anyone. Everyone just accepts it all as par for the course and keeps living as though nothing is wrong. As though there's nothing to be angry about. That's the difference between them, reall - Kakashi isn't angry. Or if he is, he can let it go. Ignore it, or forget it, or whatever the hell he does.
And Sasuke can't.
Or rather, he won't.
He scoffs at Kakashi, irritated. It's infuriating, how he seems to just brush everything off. If Sasuke hadn't been inside his head due to this fucking Hitomi, he'd swear that Kakashi just didn't give a shit about anything.]